


clementine.

by seokga



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Huang Ren Jun-centric, Internalized Transphobia, Queer Character, Questioning, sorry injunnie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-24 09:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20905595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seokga/pseuds/seokga
Summary: he placed the peach bag on the marble bench, running his hands along the edge with the beginnings of a smile.at least he'd thought it was a smile but when he tilted his head up, he was met with a grimace. the grimace of a boy with too wide shoulders and too short hair. a boy with thin lips and a strong nose.a boy.





	clementine.

**Author's Note:**

> a story told through huang renjun and inspired by halseys clementine.

_"goodnight injunnie"_

_"night jaemin-ah"_

how dare he smile at jaemin so sweetly, how dare he accept his friends sincere smiles and adoring eyes.

how dare he hold jaemins hand so tightly before he sinks back into his own company and plots ways to keep maintaining his lie.

how dare he keep pretending he feels so comfortable with his best friends. how dare he keep laughing at the maknaes like he has any right to leech off their happiness. how dare he keep teasing hyuck like they were the innocent best friends they had been this time last year. how dare he trace the veins of jaemins arms whilst jeno sits there smiling at them.

hes not who they think he is. hes not who they want him to be. he lied to them. hes not he.

_"injunnie, your shoulders are getting broader"_ jeno had laughed, smacking him playfully on the back as chenle whipped his head up to see what his hyung was talking about.

renjun had shivered and wanted to cry. he had felt the tears in the backs of his eyes- threatening to spill right there in front of all of them. 

renjun would not break there though. he would not let them see him for who he really was. they'd never know the truth about him because he would never let them.

and here, in his hotel room, he realised just how selfish he really was. he didnt want his friends to know him because if they did, they'd leave him.

and renjun would not- he _could not_ let that happen. he couldnt see the shock in his maknaes eyes, he couldnt face the sneer of disgust on donghyucks face.

his cheeks were damp now and his bottom lip trembled. his fingertips shook and his whole body felt heavy. the lights of the city below him illuminated his room and when he turned to the side, all he could see was the roundness of his shoulder.

when he swallowed, all he could feel was the bob of his adams apple.

his head was clouded but he had a routine for this. he always had a way to re-ground himself. to keep himself from spilling all over everyone.

inhaling deeply and sealing his eyes, he pressed each of his fingers against the pad of his thumb and exhaled. the corner of a peach bag stuck out of his suitcase and renjun felt a calm settle over his skin.

he crawled from the bed smoothly, relishing in the way he could move his body however he wanted. he didnt have to focus on weighting his walk or swinging his arms with his fists clenched. 

he could pad across the room as lightly as he liked, handle his belongings with a touch as gentle as he wished he could use for everything. he didnt have to worry about judgemental eyes or critical frowns.

he took the peach bag between his fingertips with a smile and pressed it against his chest as he moved towards the bathroom.

flipping on the lights and seeing the way they illiminated the mirror so flatteringly sent a rush of adrenaline through him. he usually shares rooms with one of the others and it had been weeks since he'd last been able to indulge himself like this.

he placed the peach bag on the marble bench, running his hands along the edge with the beginnings of a smile. 

at least he'd _thought_ it was a smile but when he'd tilted his head up, he was met with a grimace. the grimace of a boy with too wide shoulders and too short hair. a boy with thin lips and a strong nose. _a boy._

the image sent him off- his own glassy eyes broke him and soon his lips were trembling once again. he looked so ugly when he cried and he hated it.

there was one thing that made all boys prettier though.

he inhaled deeply again, blinking back his tears and extending his hand to the peach bag. the feel of it grounded him before he'd even folded it open.

and this time, as he looked inside, a real smile broke out on his lips.

inside were the things that made him happiest. inside were his eyeshadows and lipsticks, his highlighters and blushes. his shorts and long shirt. his nail polish and the tablets he'd never even taken.

he began by pulling the tablets from the bag, smiling at the little label before placing them to the side. next he took each brush and pallete and tube and lash he owned and set them out in order on the othet side of the sink.

and as he applied his primer, as he sponged the foundation over his skin, as he brushed the highlighter over his cheeks and filled in his eyebrows with delicate lines, he felt a breath of air return to his lungs.

he felt the blood flush through his veins, he felt his heartbeat evening, his chest flourishing as he added each new colour to his eyelids.

and when he pulled away, plumping his lips up with a soft gloss, he finally felt ok. his smile was brilliant, his eyes shone and the insecurity that once clogged his throat dissolved. he was breathing and beaming and gorgeous.

he spent a long moment staring at his reflection- at the highlight and curve of his once dull cheeks and the soft oranges complimenting the brown of his eyes. like this, he felt peaceful. he felt happy.

renjun turned to the bag again with an adoring smile- thankful to the materials and garments that made him feel so at home- and pulled the shorts and shirt from its place, not hesitating to rub the leather of the belt against his face just from the familiarity.

he hadnt shaved his legs- he had been at the beach with the boys earlier, he could just imagine the questions- but one look in the mirror reminded him it didnt matter.

he pulled the denim over his thighs and quickly gathered the shirt over his head, tucking it in with a satisfied pat.

the shorts hugged him so prettily but sat much too far up on his thighs to ever be acceptable. his waist was tiny and the way the contrast made his thighs look that much fuller had him blushing in admiration.

from the neck up, he was gorgeous- from the waist down, he was stunning, but as soon as his eyes settled on his straight torso, the flatness of his chest and the broadness of his shoulders, he felt his knees wobble.

he wouldnt cry, he wouldnt. not after the good five minutes he spent trying to get these lashes on, not after he'd just built himself back up again.

but his gaze shifted and there it was, the magic word printed in little black letters on the vial of pills. 

_estrogen_.

and there goes the long minutes he'd put into his eyeliner. it took him only a milisecond to fall against the sink, barely holding himself up on the marble rim.

he'd had them for years and was yet to take even one. he still remembered the night he had recieved them as if it were yesterday though.

it was the first- and only- time he'd ever broken down in front of anyone and he really has no idea where he'd be now if it werent for her.

her name was hyejin- a stylist noona who'd looked after him ever since he'd first arrived at sm. she had snuck him snacks when he'd started dieting at the age of just thirteen. she didnt question him and let him sit and watch as she did the female trainees makeup.

she pinched his cheeks and paid for his food and ruffled his hair and always, always knew when something was off.

and that night, it wouldnt have taken a genius to figure out he'd never been less ok. he collapsed into her arms in the dressing room when she was just about to lock up. she held his head against her chest and brushed her fingers over his cheeks and told him everything would be ok.

then he had told her the truth. why he wanted to watch her do the girls makeup, why he was so desperate to be in her company, how he wished he could call her unnie. why everything would _never_ be okay.

she had only cooed and pat his hair gently, swaying him back and forth as his tears dried on her shirt.

she guided him through deep breaths, counting their inhales and exhales until finally, the last stain dried on his skin.

and then she pulled him to his feet, sat him down in front of the mirrors and pinned his hair back. she asked him whos makeup he'd liked the most and as soon as irenes name left his lips, hyejin had gotten straight to work collecting her brushes and priming his face.

he had gone back to his dorm that night feeling lighter and more free than he had in weeks. he felt safe and protected and home.

but when he woke up that morning and padded down to the dressing room, she was no where to be seen and in her place stood an awkward looking girl in her twenties bowing to everyone who walked past her.

renjun immidiately panicked and when a staff explained to him later that she'd been caught with one of the female idols, he had realised he had every right to.

he had cried so hard. the tiniest sliver of hope he'd ever begun to have was gone just like that. 

the only comfort he found was in the bottle of pills he found on his dresser that night when he returned to his room.

_ be true injunnie_

_ ㅡ unnie_

he wasnt in some cramped trainee dorm now though, he was in the ensuite of his hotel room in thailand with tears streaking lines through his foundation and his stability gradually slipping away from him.

to think all of his problems stemmed from the production of one little, useless hormone.

_pull yourself together_

so he did, he pushed himself back into a standing position and avoided the mirror as much as he could as he pressed the makeup wipes to his eyes. he held his breath as he slipped the shorts back into the bag and whimpered as he scrawled back into his pajamas.

he turned the bottle so that he couldnt read its label before placing it back atop his cosmetics. then he folded the bag back over and flipped off he bathroom lights like nothing had ever even happened.

_"goodnight injunnie"_ jaemins voice echoed in his head as he padded over to his suitcase to hide away the pretty peach bag.

_"goodnight jaemin-ah"_ he whispered in the dark, his voice weak and pitiful and his movements clumsy and no where near as graceful as earlier.

there was only one thought left on his mind as he crawled under the covers and cast a hand over his face.

_he better not have smudged any of that foundation on the vanity._

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer,,
> 
> i am in no way suggesting that renjun is trans or queergender and for those of you who read the beginners notes, you would see that i specified this was a story told 'through huang renjun' not about him.


End file.
